Ok. I know you’ve heard them before, but maybe they can still bring a small smile…
An actor has been out of work for ten years because he muddles his lines so easily.
Then one day he gets a call from a director who offers him a small part in his play.
All he has to say is; Hark! I hear the cannons roar!
He is worried about the difficulty he has with lines, but decides to take the part anyway.
Opening night arrives, and whilst waiting in the wings, he keeps repeating to himself;
‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar! Hark! I hear the cannons roar!’
The time for his entrance finally arrives, and as he makes his appearance on stage, he hears a loud echoing boom! (the cannons)
Startled, he proclaims; ‘what the hell was that?’
Susan was depressed.
It was two months since her husband had passed, and she couldn’t seem to move on.
‘Listen Susan’, said her good friend Mary, ‘perhaps you should go and see a psychic?
One of my other friends did that after her husband died, and it made her feel so much better when she heard he was happy.’
So the very next day, Susan found herself in a dim room with a psychic.
A crystal ball glowed softly on the table between them.
‘Is he here?’ asks Susan hesitantly.
‘Yes, I sense his presence,’ replies the psychic.
‘Please ask him if he’s happy, and has all he needs.’ says Susan.
‘I see him putting his hand to his mouth, and making signs he would like to smoke’ says the psychic.
‘Of course’ said Susan, ‘he needs a cigar. He never goes more than a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there.’
‘I think you’re right when you say it is a cigar he would like to smoke’ says the psychic, ‘but he didn’t make any sign to say he would need a light for it.’
Mark calls in at a bar on his way home from work.
There he sees his best friend Tom gulping down drink after drink.
After a while he fears the worst, and confronts Tom.
‘What’s going on?’ asks Mark.
‘It’s my wife,’ says Tom. ‘she’s run off with my best friend Dan!’
Mark is suitably sympathetic, but then says:
‘Hey wait a minute, I thought I was your best friend?’
‘Not any more,’ says Tom happily.
‘From now on Dan is!’