I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I’ve not eaten for two days.”
I said to him, “I wish I had your willpower!”
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don’t worry my dear.. you might lose it eventually.”
Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away, but since most doctors are now muslims, I’ve found a bacon sandwich works much better !
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a bus or train and think to yourself, “I’m gonna take that!”
A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”
I had this trivia competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong. The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair ?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.