Todays Hazards

This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by malmather malmather 1 month, 1 week ago. This post has been viewed 166 times

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  • #82407
    abirdo
    abirdo
    Participant

    (Origin unknown)

    As we progress into 2018, due to educational e-mails over the past year, I am
    totally screwed up and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
    a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
    my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
    the lemon peel.

    I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
    only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
    driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
    is picking one’s nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
    can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
    consumed over the years.

    I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed
    it on the floor of a public toilet.

    I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
    in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
    sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
    mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
    like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
    if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
    within five minutes.

    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
    so a serial killer doesn’t crawl into my back seat when I’m filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
    seven different types of cancer.

    And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
    in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
    disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
    needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug
    me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
    me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
    calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

    Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a
    big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
    instant death when it bites my behind.

    And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a
    coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
    placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
    by a deadly Spider and my hand will fall off.

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
    I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
    of the toilet..

    NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

    #82408
    Jen
    Jen
    Participant

    😆 Good one Abirdo.

    #82409

    Salina
    Participant

    Excellent.  So typical  in many ways of how we live our lives now.

    #82432
    Tulip
    Tulip
    Participant

    Thank you for all those warnings abirdo. 🙂

    #82433
    malmather
    malmather
    Participant

    Imagine how happier we would be if we didn’t read 🙂

     

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