09/03/2018 at 3:50 pm #82407
As we progress into 2018, due to educational e-mails over the past year, I am
totally screwed up and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl into my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my behind.
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a
coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by a deadly Spider and my hand will fall off.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…09/03/2018 at 4:34 pm #82408
😆 Good one Abirdo.09/03/2018 at 5:34 pm #82409
Excellent. So typical in many ways of how we live our lives now.13/03/2018 at 7:29 pm #82432
Thank you for all those warnings abirdo. 🙂14/03/2018 at 12:09 am #82433
Imagine how happier we would be if we didn’t read 🙂
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